To the house that built me

“I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here, it’s like I’m someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself–
If I could just come in, I swear I’ll leave.
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me.”

–Melissa Lambert

Anger

I am angry.  I’m so angry I’m calm.  25 years I have wasted living here.  I wasted my time, my energy, my nerves, my love, my talent, and my resources.  I wasted my youth.  Deliberately.  And then not deliberately.  And then I had no choice.  Now I’m alone, and shattered, and wishing to God that I could take it all back, go home, reach that moment of clarity I once had when I thought to myself how lucky I was.

I threw it all away, and no matter what I do, I will never, ever get any of it back.

Fear

I fear my own words, so I throw them into the trash.